Hey, you guys, I have a quesion. Ya rike a rumpkin? I'll take one, how bout you?

Wow my anger really got to me. Too many typos, if you'd allow me to retype that last statement. "HOW DARE YOU SULLEY MY NAME BY DRAGGING IT IN SUCH FILTH?! Whoever you are, you have quite some nerve. I assume you are the same person that asked the very same question and I will respond this time as I did the first. Why do you insist on imposing such disgusting things here?"

My good chappy, how dare YOU dirty my husband's diamond-encrusted name of splendor with your little midget lies. Fall back in the ranks, soldier, and maybe take some leave. I hereby bequeathe to you a BOOT TO THE HEAD. Please enjoy, with my most sparkling compliments of duchyness. To the rest of you little nose-biters, please disregard the ramblings of this furry, forlorn heretic, and try a lumpkin today~! ^_^

-Yours truly,
Duchess Horacio of Arsefacey

Do you think you can hide yourself behind another false name? You do realize that you not only have the same ID but the same youtube post under your name right? Don't sulley my name nor the name of my Duchess. I don't know why you find this so amusing but I see now that you are on this site and will probably respond to this as well but you need to, honestly, go away. I will not stand for this any longer!

Dear child, I am coming to you this evening from ahigh. My golden throne is vacant this evening because I am forced to come down here and some slap me sum hoes. Now lemme a lil sum sum YA MAJESTY, ya'll might be sum duke, but I sir, I am the Emperor of these lands. As such, I bequeathe to you, a BOOT TO THE HEAD. Now sir, get out of my court, and out of my country, and out of my thread, or your toes shall dangle from my dashboard. To the rest of your, I invite you all to my gala lumpkin ball on 31st of midsummer's eve. Coats and pants are required, no vablarting allowed. auf wiedersehen mein liepschin.

We are the Emperor now are we? And he speaks german, exililerating. But the Emperor of what exactly? I call your Majesty's judgement into question! What are you doing from your throne anyways? Should you not have just sent a messenger to me? I call you peasent, not Emperor!!

Kind biddings dearest dukey, my lord Emperor Nortin bids you a BOOT TO THE HEAD. He was in fact speaking to you from his pent house palace of delight, he only literally decended three feet from his luxuriously appointed sitting device. Descending any further for the likes of an imposter duke would be unthinkable for him. Now good sir I ask you, what havith ye against the lumpkin? The emperor bids that you RSVP ASAP, and sends lots of huggles and fluffy puppies. Stop.

Btw, i think you have a cute butt. Te quiero, me amor.

Love Mortimer

The Emperor and his manservent. How magnificent! Next we should bring some whores or stripers. What is the meaning of so many people? I am only one, why respond as many? You are overwhelming me, I cannot respond to so many easily and still keep up with you. What is it that I have against the lumpkin you ask? I would give my very life if it would end once and for all. I don't understand these fetishes that these people have. Why in the world would you want a blowjob whilst relieving yourself upon your golden toilet? I cannot understand at all. Most things I could understand to some extent but damn, I've not even the slightest idea when it comes to that. And I would love to RSVP ASAP but I do not know of whom to speak of about such matters.

And I think you have quite the magnificent bottom as well, Mortimer. I'll see you at home and you really shouldn't involve yourself in such trivial matters that barely pertain to you, love.

The answer to your question is simple, my dear boy. In grave times, the answer to all questions, is God my dear boy. Confess thy wickedness and lumpkin hatred to me now, and I will forgive this trespass upon the sancitity that is the word lumpkin. Also, my toilet is not gold good sir, it is sterling silver, and has a little dolphin on the side that i named Chuckles. Looking forward to your confessional,

The Pope

Forgive me, Pope, but you must understand my side of this arguement. You must join only because of your side with the Emperor, do you not? Well he is a wicked man, not I. You should not believe his lies to you, you must see through all that he has told you. And such a toilet is rare to find, where did you get it? Or was it especially made. And for such a high position of power and wealth you settle for only sterling silver? Now there is a man that knows that even though you have it, it doesn't mean you should use it.

Where are you, Emperor? You don't respond to my taunting? Do you retire to bed as "your subjects" make such comments? Come now, you wouldn't do such. What keeps you, my advisary? I will await you as long as I must, but please, do not make me wait for too long.

Good lad, good lad. Truly devout you seem, as such qualities are notable in a large grasshopper, but I cannot help but wonder, when did all these deeply manifested feelings of angst against lumpkins come into being? I hesitate my young seedling, because i was occupying myself with this week's issue of "Divine Danties: A holy man's guide to fine cooking at the vatican". I apologize for this delay, and send you a BOOT TO THE HEAD as my compliment. In regards to my holy commode, you might check out Arnold the Kommode King, he's quite good. I'd venture it took him about a fortnight to finish mine. You should look him up.

Mine confessional booth is always open,
Charlie.

NO. I wont stand for you trying to keep me in the closet anymore, dukey~! I'm hurt. I came home to the apartment the other day and you know what, DO YOU KNOW WHAT? My freshly squeezed mango juice WASNT THERE. You know how I adore it, and i ask so few things of you. I even had that six inch high thong thats actually a color called bloom picked out for you, but this....this is the jimmies on my sundae. Desserts over baby, and the morty train is movin on.

Ah, such an action, "A boot to the head" is very unlike you, you're holiness. Are you quite alright? Anyways, I must go see this Kommode Kind name Arnold. It did take you quite sometime, were you testing out your facilities? This angst against lumpkins began oh so long ago. It was about four years ago, I do believe. It began when I walked into my very bathroom, unbenownced to me, it was occupied. My father was sitting there and my mother was doing such things to him, I couldn't repeat them if I wanted. From then on I've found such acts to be against God himself. And those that oppose him, need to be brought down.

BABY! You know I had to work late that night! I'm sorry! I wanted to keep it secret but I bought you a necklace to make up for it! I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry! I took a nap, I didn't mean to but work isn't that easy, you know.

Fear not, fear not. Other than a bit of gas I am feeling quite well, dear boy. However, His holiness no longer favors the chicken fajitas with salsa picante. A bit rough on the holy digestive tract, you see. As for your early encounter with the lumpkin, it is tragic that you were forced to see such a scene befitting only to llamas wearing pink bonnets. But you must understand, what your birth-givers did was a beautiful thing, and coming to terms with that can sometimes be difficult. I should know, i was once in denial as wel, but look where i am today! Perhaps you'd like to speak with my therapist, i'm sure he could help you through. My apologies for the boot, but it seems they are simply abounding around saint peter's these days.

Regards,
The Big P.

D'awwwww. Is it that gold one that said "Dink" on it with the ruby encrustments? :] Oh em gee Ilu. Ill be out shopping all day with friend "The French Percher", but I'll be home later. What should I wear? The half-seam laced mini bottoms that are semi-transparent and actually a color called white? :O

My birth-givers, are dead, those are my foster parents. I ran away shortly after, I could not handle what had been shown to me. I do not need another therapist, thank you, though. Andwhat exactly is abounding around Saint Peter's nowadays? I would like to enquire as to what you were in denial about though. And those llamas with pink bonnets are not ones to be trifiled with. How has his holiness's tastes buds changed so much as to refuse the delectable chicken fajita? Have they gone mad? Such as Himself?

That would look so wonderful, Mortimer. As you always do. Have fun with your friend shopping at "The French Percher". I'll be at home when you get there. And I'll even make your favorite dinner to make tonight extra special.

The papal petting zoo, the PPZ, is not only home to the rare bonneted-llamas, but also the illusive Queen Walrus of Hillshire. The Swiss Guard are highly aware of the verocity of such animals, but it pleases his holiness to hear the grunting of trisiberian whoreback pigs in the night, or the occasional (and anticipated!) bellowing of the Queen Walrus. Admission to the petting zoo is granted from 9-5 daily, closed sundays of course. His holiness also likes to swim with the leopluradons on saturday nights, so we close at 4. Admission is 5.97 for all ages. Come visit the PPZ today. :]

We hereby proclaim fajitas heretical, and all found to be consuming them in Rome shall incur the wrath of his holiness' bowl movements via loudspeaker system. That is all.

The Big P.

My god! You are mad! Everyone is going insane now. When one cannot consume fajitas without hearing bowel movements is mind numbing! I cannot talk to you any longer, Mr. Pope.

Now you know how i love to masticate upon beef sticks (^_~), krumpets, and a warm bottle of Bawls Guarana. I'll give your best to the Percher, don't think he'd be very pleased to hear you call him a store. Looking forward to tonight love muffin,

Mortykins.

Well he is fat, but you don't have to mention it to him. And yes, I know your favorite foods. Don't be too late, I'll have everything ready by 8. See you tonight, Morty.

Now now Dukey, be nice to my little boy Charlie. I think he sort of likes you.

Well he likes everyone, I'm sure. I appologize for saying such things to him. My Lord, I am unworthy.

I find it in my good graces to shine down on you this day, dukey. May you go forth and frolic in fields of melons with Mortimer and enjoy life before the coming of the Antipope. Speaking of which, I think i hear him now. OOPS.

I would perfer to frolic with my love in ignorance of this Antipope, he has nothing to do with me. And how does the Lord himself happen across this thread?

Hai guys. My names Beelzebub and Im the spawn of Satan...and I like strip poker and Family Guy. Oh and...Like a lion kills an antelope, I shall bring destruction to this land. ;]

Well hello Beelzebub, this thread seems to attract that worst and the best people. And spawn of Satan, why do you bother yourself with this thread? Do you not see that the Lord is right there, probably reading, if not even predicting, what you are saying?

Hai guysthh watch this. He's gonna say something funny.

Something funny. Also HAMMER HITS A CANTELOPE.

Oh em eff gee. Am I good or what? lololololol i am god.

See, now what did I tell you, he knows what you're going to do/say. Anyways, Neither of you really responded to what I asked. What caused both of you to show up here?

Oh I guess I forgot to tell you. You're my son. OOPSTH. Thats all I got, kbai.

I'm just here to kill you, like a witch reads a horoscope. Sorry dude.

Here to kill me?! How do you plan on doing that exactly? And what does a witch have to do with anything? IM YOUR SON?! What the hell?! What the heaven?! WHAT?! God! Get back here! Tell me! How are my parents?! I'm so confused!

What, Leopold and Judy? Ah they're just two hobos we found hangin 'round the golden gates. Paid dem bitches sum sum to pose as your folks for a while. Papas a busy man, son, can't have you clingin to mah robes while i look after the world can i? Mom's got hepatitis C, oops. Oh and we're sending ceiling cat to look after you.

Dad

im in ur ceilingz, watchin your messiahz.

Oh, jeez, not him again. I've noticed him a few times. Why do you have to keep sending him? He's so annoying. You could have figured out a better way for me to live, couldn't you?! My childhood was miserable! You're God! You could have thought of something, couldn't you??

God damn, (Oops broke my own rule. lolololol) I thought we hid him well enough. Well I'll let you have your pick then, what shall I send to watch over you? I'm fresh outta demn winged guys, oops. But I think seeing as you've never had a proper birthday present we could manage something. How about a nice lesbian vampire from space? they're pretty gewd.

A lesbo vampire from space? No thanks dad, as you may know, I'm GAY. A gay vampire from space might do though. I'd appreciate getting a proper birthday though. All my friends used to throw parties, always made me jealous. I don't know when I was born.

Kids these days. I had me one o' dem n64s, a bag of popcorn, and a lesbo vamp and i did just fine. nowadays they gotta get all hi-tech wit dem "gay" vamps from space. gay this gay that, I told Charlie im cool with it, ya know? i'm a cool cat, i jive with the times, but no, he had to have it his way down there. oops.

A gay pope, I hope nobody says anything, he'd probably be thrown from office. And nobody says "jive" or "cool cat" anymore dad. And what's so different from gay vampires and lesbian vampires?

About 5.75+ shipping and handling and a bottle of lube.

I'd say ew, except that sounds kind of sexy.

P.S. 50th comment

Well son, we knew we'd have to talk about this sort of thing eventually. Well maybe you didnt but I did, cause I'm kinda God. oh well. well give beelzebub a good whoopin for me son, even God needs to retire to his swedish memory foam mattress sometimes. fare well for now.

That sounds like a wonderous idea, but I'm afraid to sleep now, for Beelzebub may take it as a chance to slaughter me. Either way, good night, dad.

Father, if you are there, I need to ask you a question. Does Mortimer really love me as much as he says he does? Everyday when I get home he's always gone and he leaves a note saying he's different places but I always call his friend Frank and he says they've been hanging out most of the day. I don't know if it because he lies to me about where he is or if I'm just paranoid, but you seem to have all of the answers. I even had a dinner waiting for him tonight at 8 and he still hasn't come home. I don't know what to do, I've tried his cell phone but he left it at home. And I'm afraid to call Frank for fear of who might pick up. I guess I'll wait for an answer from you. Thanks, dad.

Simbaaaa. Oh wait, ahem. Well my son, I most certainly do not make it my business to follow the lives of manservants on a daily basis, but the birds of the northwind have informed me that they saw Mortimer the other day with the Francis Largeknuckles, aka the French Percher. Go to him, dear boy. He loves you with the burning passion of a hibachi grill but i fear this Percher may be no mortal man. This man bears the eye of the Jew! Go forth with tiny footsteps!

Damn those Jews and their eyes! They are so full of hate and dispite! I fear for my love. I don't know if he will be alright. Please protect me as I go after him tonight. I love you Mortimer! And fuck tiny footsteps, I have to go after him as fast as I can. If I don't come back to this board, one can only assume what's happened to me as I pursued my love into the darkness.

Kbai

People having technicle difficulties, me thinks?

FATHER! You've returned! Please tell me where to go! Please! I've never asked you for anything before, just help me out this once.